1. Why we feel pride
2. A Mother's Intuition
3. My son is now my daughter
4. Gentle Wisdom
5. Carrie in Kansas

Hearing stories of how others have dealt with issues similar to your own may help you strengthen your relationship with your family. This is only the beginning of your journey. PFLAG can connect you with other people and families that have faced and tackled issues similar to your own.

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Why we feel Pride and Gratitude toward our gay and lesbian children and anger at society's cruelty to them
by Bob Bernstein

We are grateful to our gay children for what they taught us about truth-telling and respect for human differences.

We are proud of their courage in refusing to lie - despite society's fierce hostility to their honesty - about an important aspect of who they are.

We are outraged at the discrimination and physical violence that is commonly their lot.

By reasonable estimate, there are at least 15 million gay Americans, most of whom are valuable citizens and valuable family members. They and their non-gay loved ones - parents, brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and friends - number in the scores of millions.

So we are Moms and Dads with a dream: the dream that these millions will one day coalesce in a powerful crusade for the dignity and safety of our gay citizens. Our love for our children has brought anger and impatience.

Impatience with talk about "family values" that translates into hatred toward our gay daughters and sons.

Impatience with those who prevent schools from providing the courses and counseling that could save gay teenagers from despair, addiction, and suicide.

Impatience with those who in the name of religion preach love, but practice oppression. Our gay children have decided - in defiance of a massive social tide of misinformation and hostility - that accepting their God-given nature is part of their quest for authenticity and wholeness. They have shown us honesty, courage and compassion. They are gifted and giving Americans.

That's why we are proud of them.

That's why we are grateful to them.

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A Mother's Intuition
by Rhea Murray

With a mother's intuition Rhea Murray suspected her 13 year old son was gay. Still, hearing the actual words from his mouth rattled her. She went to church, asked God to change her son, and was met with bone-crushing silence. Her faith in religion was shaken.

Many agonizing days later, the rural Indiana homemaker passed a mirror. Shocked by her haggard reflection, she realized her fervent prayers were misguided. "The reason I was in such pain was that I was putting my own negative image of gays on my child instead of putting the face of my beloved child on gays," she explains five years later. "From that moment on I never shed another tear. It was an 'aha!' moment of the soul."

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Gentle Wisdom
by Barefoot Ron, Grand Rapids, MI

PARENTS: Don't underestimate for a minute how important it is for you to be supportive to your gay/lesbian especially, in the first few minutes AFTER they come out to you. Yes, those first few minutes are very important and will always be remembered. But what happens over the next days/weeks/months is equally important. We've met people whose parents did quite well that first day, but then all hell broke loose later. Yes, it is important to be supportive when our child first comes to you about this, but it's also important to get support and education, so that you can grow from this, after the initial shock wears off. Sometimes, things happen after the parents have regained their composure. They may start questioning things that have no answers. They may get angry, hostile, confused or silent.

KIDS: Don't underestimate for a minute how big a transition this is for your parents. Be prepared to be supportive and to find resources for them. Be prepared for a backlash, and understand that they may have some stages to go through. Stick with them, be there for them, and give them time and understanding. After all, you may have prepared for days/weeks/months (or even many years) for this moment. It could take them days/weeks/months (or even many years) to adjust to what you've dropped in their lap.

Just remember, children and parents, that this is a two way street.

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"My Son is Now My Daughter"
by Just Evelyn
My new experience and chance to grow came when my youngest son at the age of 15 came to me one night and told me he needed to be a girl, he was a girl inside. I had believed for many years that he was probably gay, as he was a very effeminate, sensitive and so different from the older two boys.

I raised the kids as single mother, for many years and tried to maintain a safe happy home environment for the youngest boy, since his school life was not the easiest. He had been exhibiting stress at school the last year, and I was not sure how to help him. He had never admitted to me that he was gay, and I had left it up to him to tell me when the time was right. Well he told me, but it wasn't what I had expected.

So began an experience in learning and growing. I found out everything I could about being transsexual. I found quite a bit of information about adults,but very little on how to help a teenager. We eventually found a therapist, and an endocrinologist, and PFLAG, and all the other wonderful people that comprise the transgender community.

My new daughter has now attended high school successfully for two years. She is happy, and doing much better academically than ever before. We jumped through the hoops and maxed the plastic and we have just returned form Neenah, WI after her Sexual Reassignment Surgery. She said to me just recently, "Now I can start thinking about the rest of my life; I never felt like I had a future before."

I have been involved with our local San Diego City school board, educating the teachers on gay lesbian, bisexual and transgendered issues. I spoke at about 30 different schools this year. I also went to a PFLAG Regional Directors meeting in January, 1996 to help work for transgender inclusion in PFLAG. I took a training course in electrolysis and passed the State Board and have set up shop as a second job to work on my daughter and others in this community at a reasonable price. I also listen and provide other information to any that need it. I am hoping to have a book done soon that tells of our experience, so that parents new to this situation can at least read how one teenager has transitioned and succeeded in becoming who she needed to be.

(Evelyn has since completed her book My Son Is Now My Daughter and can be reached at www.JustEvelyn.com )

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"Carrie in Kansas"
by Carrie

Dear PFLAG,

Imagine MY surprise when I saw that PFLAG was stationed in the very town that my daughter moved to a month ago today!!! We live in Wichita, Kansas. In March of 1997 we were faced with "the coming out of the closet speech" from our nearly twenty-one year old daughter. I am not sure where I had heard, but the following day, after the confession, I found myself getting in touch with our local PFLAG help line person. At first, I was a little angry with Darlene for telling me that I was a good Mom, I KNEW THAT!! In 1995, my daughter Katie had finished 75th in a class of nearly one thousand. She made all City in her senior year in Soccer, and for all intensive purposes was a "normal postgraduate" student. Her confession nearly took her father and I to our knees. A week after her confession, my husband and I found ourselves at our first PFLAG meeting. We faithfully attended these meeting for over a year. We learned much from those meetings, and eventually, Katie attended them with us. NEVER did we lose our devotion to the child that we brought into this world. It was hard at first to realize that she was "different", but one of our major concerns was for HER, not us. If people didn't like that fact that she was gay, that was their problem, NOT OURS!!!! However, we are located "in the buckle of the bible belt" where Lesbians and Gays are seen as "Devil Advocates" by some, so much so that people "in power" have been known to show up at Gay/Lesbian funerals, or any other gay pubic occasion carrying hate signs, and telling our children that they are going to burn in hell for being gay!!!!! It is funny how the opinion of others can affect you,but thanks to PFLAG we learned that even though Katie is different, and NOT "straight". She is still and will always be our loving daughter. She respects and loves us, and THAT is the ultimate compliment that ANY child can give their parents.We know that this is not her choice, but her destiny. We also know that if she could be different she would be, but it is up to us, as her parents to support and love her NO MATTER WHAT!!!! We do!!!! She knows this and knows that she is in control of herself. She also knows that we support her decisions on who she is and what she wants and needs. She is no different from us. She desires and deserves love. We support her in her attempt to find that. Thank you for the opportunity to speak up. Even though Katie was born and raised in the heartland of this country, she has loved California from the moment she stepped foot in your state over two years ago.That was in San Francisco back then, but her move to San Diego as of the ninth of October of this year has been nothing but sheer joy for her.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF MY DARLIN DAUGHTER!!!!!

Sincerely,

Carrie
Wichita, Kansas

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